Checkout Counter
a Bob and Marcia skit

Characters:
BOB – Crabby “Archie Bunker” type character
MARCIA – Bob’s curious, sweet wife
CHUCK – Checkout Counter television game show host

Summary:  
Bob and Marcia are on vacation, staying at a premium hotel. Marcia miraculously wins the call-in portion of the all-new television game show:  Checkout Counter.  

(Marcia is sitting on one of two comfortable chairs, center stage.  A small table sits between the chairs, with an ornate lamp.  Marcia picks up a television remote control unit from the table, points it at the audience, and presses the power button. 

MARCIA
Check out this fancy, shmantcy new flat T.V. set, Bob! 

BOB
(off stage) Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Wait just a minute, wouldja?  I’m tryin’ to shave.

MARCIA
You have to come an’ see this.  The picture is sooooohhh clear.  I like it, I like it 

BOB
(enters from stage-right and sits down, wiping his face with a white towel) Whatcha watchin’?

MARCIA
Ohhhhh, I think it’s just beautiful.  Look at those colors, Bob.  Those fish look like they could swim out of the screen—

BOB
Gimme dat ting. (grabs the remote from Marcia)  You got it on “mute”.  (presses a button on the remote control)

MARCIA
Ohhhhh, I see, I see.

(Sound effect:  ocean sounds—waves, bubbles, distant whale calls)

BOB
You got it on the hotel’s scenic screensaver channel, too.  Lemme change it. (presses a button on the remote control)

CHUCK
(off stage)  You’re watching the first season of television land’s all new game show: Checkout Counter!  The game where anyone can play:  Folks in the audience here in the “studio”, or watching at home or watching on the internet. 

MARCIA
This looks like fun, Bob.

CHUCK
This is a fun show—I really like the concept, and I know you will too!  Here’s the deal:  Checkout Counter travels from town-to-town.  We pick out a food store, and set up our “studio” at—you guessed it—one of the checkout counters.  Then, we follow our lovely Lydia as she runs through the store and loads up a cart full of items.  Contestants must watch very carefully and count the number of items and then guess the approximate dollar total at the Checkout Counter.  The contestant who mostly closely matches the total count and the total checkout dollar amount, without going over, wins the game 

BOB
Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whadda dey win?

CHUCK
And winner gets—say it with me, audience—twenty-five thou-sand dollars!  Then they’re entered into the raffle to win our annual grand prize of $100,000!   Okay, everyone, here’s your chance.  Call the number on your screen.  The calls will be answered in the order they’re received.  If the line is busy, try again.

(Sound effect:  dramatic marching music)

MARCIA
Bob, can I call?

BOB
(mocking Marcia)  Bob, can I call? Of course, you can call.  Have I ever denied you anyting? Wait—don’t answer dat.  But don’t use the hotel phone—it’ll cost us five bucks-a-minute.  Here.  (hands Marcia his cell phone from his shirt pocket)

MARCIA
Thanks Bob.  (presses buttons on the phone)  It’s busy 

BOB
You heard da man, try it again.

MARCIA
Okay.  It’s ringing!  (pauses)  My name is Marcia…  Yes, I agree….  Okay…

BOB
Okay, what?

MARCIA
Hush just a minute.  Okay…  Yes...  Okay...  I got in – I am a contestant on today’s show!

BOB
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. 

MARCIA
You’re just jealous.

CHUCK
(off stage) Okay everyone!  Thanks for calling in.  Here are the contestants for today’s show:
We have…  LaRen from the audience; Stephanie from the internet; and Marcia from television land. Are you ladies ready?  Lydia:  are you ready?  1, 2, 3…GO!

BOB
Now Marcia, you gotta watch dis real closely, like.

MARCIA
(nodding her head) Okay...  Good choice: I like angel food cake… Okay… 

CHUCK
(off stage)  All right!  Lydia’s back—she’s a little winded, and here’s what she picked.  Contestants:  For this part, you need to enter your answers on your phone, computer, or in LaRen’s case, on the cash register behind the Checkout Counter.

BOB
This oughtta be interestin’.

CHUCK
(off stage) How many items did you count?  Enter the number.  Okay…  How much will this all cost?  Enter the number.  Okay… okay….   We have a winner.  Drum roll, please. (pauses)  The Checkout Counter winner today is… Marcia from television land!  YAY!

MARCIA
WOW!  I’ve never won anything before.  Thank You, God!

CHUCK
(off stage)  Stop by the Checkout Counter and we’ll give you twenty-five-thou-sand-dollars!

MARCIA
Bob, is that okay?

BOB
Yeah, let’s check-outta here 

MARCIA
I love you, Bob.

--bro. tim pickl   
Saturday June 11, 2011 A.D.

Originally posted on FaithWriters -- Check it out:
  http://www.faithwriters.com/wc-article-level3-previous.php?id=39982 

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